2008 is officially here, well according to Z time.

So the rotten year is gone. The last 6 months have been
ugly. I anticipate the next several being equally as "fun
filled."

In a few weeks I'll be forty four. That will be fun. Can't
wait for another year to click over.

Anyway, here's to 2008, may God grant us a better,
happier new year.

12-29-2007, 2353L

Back from Annapolis and dinner at friends. We always have a
good time. Tonight was Champagne night. Allow me to say
that the Perrier and Jouet was just as good as the Cristal.
While the Cristal behaved like a red wine, and changed as it
breathed and adjusted to the room temperature, the Perrier
was just plain good.

We had seafood risotto. Lobster, Shrimp, clams and mussels.
It was fantastic, finished with some fresh thyme, and a bit of
parsley. Dessert was a nice chocolate souffle. Yes I spent a
lot of time in the kitchen, and it was worth every second.

Tom caught me at the airport today and scolded me for being
there. Hard not to go there when it's about all I know these
days. It is nice not going there when I don't have to. One
thing that need to be accomplished is all the Christmas stuff
put away. While good process has been made, there is still a
LOT to be dealt with.

I'm about to make a difficult decision. Whether or not I have
what it takes to do it is another topic all together.

Be good, and I am off to sleep.

All Done

Thankfully Christmas is done and over. It was a severe
disappointment. Fortunately the next one is a year away!

My primary email account is up for renewal. Rather than
pay for the access to an ISP that I never ever dial into, the
plan is to migrate over to AOL mail. Unlimited storage and
being able to access it anywhere are the main reasons (and
the free part doesn't hurt either!)

I'm taking a couple of days off of work. There are things I
need to sort out, get this rats nest straightened up, and
THINK. 2008 M-U-S-T be better than 2007 has been.
It will be impossible to deal with another year such as this
has been.

My folks have left for South Carolina. Gott sei Dank!
They'll be back around Easter. That's in August this year,
isn't it? Too bad there isn't a way to move that Holiday!

Okay- gotta scoot!

Lobster on the wrong side of the road

Today I stopped at Caroline's on Route 50 for a
lobster roll. It was worth every penny ($10.50)!
The poor kid at the register had no idea how to
make change. I gave him a twenty and two quarters.
Don't ask.

The 2310 (0410z) departure isn't going, well at least
not yet . . . no one knows what is going on. Here I sit
waiting. I'm starting to wind down and need to go
to sleep. Tarnation.

Four times today I had to swerve to the right because
some idiot in an SUV was in my lane. Four times!!
Now, what is the deal with that? I don't mind them
killing themselves, but that's now how envision my
departure from this world.

Christmas comes in about 48.5 hours. Ick. Wish
it was over. Can't wait until it's over.

O.K. time to waddle over to the bird and see what's
up . . . .

One Week Left

One week until Christmas. One week until it's over.

Today was a productive day at work. Bills, a jep. kit,
and took pictures of the incredibly imbalanced Egyptian
Air Force plane. I have NO idea how they were able
to maintain flight. To say it's alarming is, well, let's say
it is an understatement.

I've also discovered someone has been in the employee
files. An employee has nothing in their file. Nothing.
This means everything gets locked all the time. While
I have no idea why someone would pilfer it, it does
prevent me from accomplishing a very important task
today.

Yesterday some asked me what was wrong with me.
The weight loss, the changed attitude toward things.
Without going into detail, he was told that I'm in the
process of grieving the loss of a good friend. That
grief I fear will soon turn to anger, and destroy any
chance of their ever being my friend again. This
situation can only wear on me so long before I snap.

One day this week I'll go visit my Grandparents graves.
They (specifically my Grandfather) stressed that you
can't forget those who have passed, and this is a way to
show respect for them.

I've just gotten a call from HDQ with the information
needed for the report, so away I go to send it.

Get ready for snow.......

Correct, they say we're gonna get it this weekend.
It just makes me that much happier!

Seb called me from München the other day. Our
conversation helped me get a great deal of the built
up bile out of my system. Thank-you cousin! He
reminded me of how things are, and that the situation
is probably unsalvagable. One could say he was "the
voice of reason." He should be on his way back home
to Münster about now. It's been many-a- year since
I saw him at Christmas. What I'd do for some glühwein
at a market about now. Scheisse. It ain't gonna
happen.

Today has been busy on a personal level. Off to B-more.
First to Cross Keys to the Williams Sonoma store. They
didn't have what I wanted- next to Eddies of Roland
Park. Yup, they had it. - - and a nice Greek salad for
dinner tonight. Back to the airport . . then off to Christos
where I got the deal of the century. That stuff is out in
the Honda. Back to work where I await the arrival of
303 from KDOV. I want it early so I can go home.
Two bottles of Chateau neuf de Pape, and two bottles
of Perrier and Jouet. Christmas in Annapolis will be
acceptable. Too bad my family doesn't get it.

Isabelle (my God-daughter) will have her Christmas
gifts arrive at her house in Montana on Monday. I
never know where they're gonna be for the Holidays,
so I had to talk to her Mom. Somehow I'm sending
her riding gear too (horse, not motorcycle) in the same
package . . . .

My niece is buying a condo in Salisbury. Guess who
ponied up the money for the down payment? The
parents! Joan referred to it as "an advance on her
inheritance." It's about time they get off their cheap
butts and dole out some cash to someone. HOWEVER
this in no-way means their children will get an extra
penny for Christmas. Remember, the family owned
the land that the employee lot and rental car facility
are currently located on . . They got the bucks.

I've brewed a small pot of extra strong Tchibo coffee.
It's tasty to say the least. The good stuff gets used on
a "need to" basis. OH! Today's trivia: Trader Joe's
(my fav store) is owned by the folks who own Aldi!
That answers why they have so many German things
at Christmas time.

Okay-need to slog down this coffee!

Wednesday

Another day here.

Today is the day that the staff at FI are told no jobs after
January 10. I need to head there for "moral" support.
It will be a hard thing to see that go, but everyone keeps
saying there is a silver lining in every cloud. Perhaps,
but it remains to be seen. I only see clouds right now.
For me, only clouds.

Just back from lunch with Pat, Tom, and Simon. Jovial
guys, but I wasn't really there. I'm not really anywhere
right now. Life is sort of stalled, and in a loop of injury
and confusion.

So, off I go to the terminal.

Foggy Day

So here we sit. Two late aircraft. One is pushing 2 hours late.
It amazes me sometimes.

I have the Christmas Spirit of the President of Iran. The
sooner it's over the better. It was almost painful decorating
the tree. I was so not into it. If I had my way, it would not
have been put up at all. We should just skip it this year.
It seems to me that it's all commercial now.

The weather continues to degrade, leading me to believe
that there may be problems later tonight. Normally we
get the diversions- not tonight.

It's been almost a week since I've gotten a full nights
sleep. Each night I wake up at about 0030, and lay
there hashing over the events of the last week or so.
This thing is eating me alive. I want to fix it, or find
a fix, yet all cures allude me. Perhaps it isn't meant
to be cured. Maybe this is something that needs to
die, and to be grieved. The whole deal is becoming
surreal. It's almost like I'm looking in on this disaster.

As I close, a comment that life isn't what it should be
seems to be fitting. It's just not worth it anymore.

Let us prepare for winter

Today I read this on the internet, located on a site remembering
Paul Hester.

"Let us prepare for winter. The sun has turned away from us and
nest of summer hangs broken in a tree. Life slips through our
fingers and, as darkness gathers, our hands grow cold. It is time
to go inside. It is time for reflection and resonance. It is time for
contemplation. Let us go inside."

This about sums up how I feel. The winter of life is upon me.
Cold, dark, hollow, and broken. Like the weather outside, ice
is forming around my soul, choking it. Like being numb from
the cold, waiting for something to warm me up, yet knowing
spring is far, far away, and hard to imagine it ever arriving.

So much time effort invested for what is essentially nothing.
Grieving for a loss that is undeserved. Feeling part of me
dying right along with it. Drowning in self pity, self loathing,
and the unanswerable question of "why?" How did I manage
to bring this on myself? How could this have been avoided?

As I get older, not wiser, the realization of how cold the world
really is sinks deeper into my skin. It makes me think of
people in my life who have, and some who still do love me.
It makes me think that even that I don't deserve. "If you
could change your life, and never be the same, (but the
lie ain't worth the living.)"

The last time I felt this emptiness was when Pro Air shut
down. While not the same kind of animal, it forces me to
recognize that there is nothing out there for me. Perhaps
I'm defective in some way that hasn't been made apparent
to me. That would be a relief. That would be a viable
answer to the question. Cause and effect.

How is it I am so better able to put into writing what/how
I feel? Were the rest so easy.

Up since 0430.

My day started at 0430 with a phone call. While not
saying from who or exactly what was said, allow me
to share with you that I haven't been hurt this badly
for more than 15 years.

People wonder why I stay to myself. This is the reason.
No good deed goes unpunished. Kindness and
generosity are the actions of fools.

It's been a long time since I've sat down and cried
over what someone has said to me. I've done so twice
today. More reason to believe I must truly be a
terrible person, and deserve what comes my way.

Right now, I'm just numb. It's taking all I have not
to go vomit. Life just isn't worth it.

Three Weeks!

Three weeks from today is Christmas Eve. AMC will fly
both Christmas Eve, and Christmas day (and the day after)
which they normally don't do. Scheisse. Seems to me all
flights should be grounded those days. In the "olden days"
carriers pulled down flying for Christmas. Not anymore.
It's another opportunity to make a buck, so they go for it!

Last night I was asked "Are we making cookies this year?"
WE?? That means "When you making Cookies for us??"
Who knows when that's gonna happen. Probably (prolly)
what will happen is mix one day, bake another. Thank
God for my cookie scoop, and parchment paper. Both
reduce time and effort by at least 25%.

My teeth are still bothering me. It's been a problem since
MARCH. If I take sinus tablets, the gunk drains, and the
pain goes away. Right now they sort of "itch" if that makes
any sense. It's very annoying.

"Tin Man" started last night on si-fi. This ain't our parents
"Wizard of Oz." Without giving away what is going on, it's
a dark look at the same book. That witch is one mean Mutha.
She's not green, She's not ugly, She certainly isn't stupid,
and she has no pity. Watch it, you won't be dissapointed!

Okay- back at it.

"Ich hasse das Winterwetter."

Me too! I hate winter weather. My brother said he "almost
went through the T.V." when the weatherman mentioned
snow/ice/sleet for Sunday. Me too. My children, I am way
too old to me messing around in bad weather. Especially
with a car I'm not used to!

Master goes to England tonight. I need to pick him up at
1820 at his house. He'll be gone for five days. Five days
of peace around here! If we're lucky he'll be in a better
mood when he returns. He will fly as follows: BWI FI
X/KEF FI LON. KEF is the best way to get to Europe
if you ask me. It may take a bit longer, but it's SO worth
it! AND, they sell dried fish at the airport in Keflavik!

Bill went out and bought Joan new diamond earrings today.
Now, she already has almost a carat in each ear, what is
he gonna buy that's better? He's gonna spend "between
eight and ten [thousand]" on them. Can I have the old ones
to sell?? So in a week he's dropped over 35K on her. I
will be interested in what he drags home for her. Unreal!

No planes tomorrow. 276 is still broken in BOH, and 304
now needs to go to DOV to recover for 276. YEAH! This
means I don't have to drag my butt back here at 0530
in the morning to prepare for an arrival. It also means
that I can have tomorrow off . . supposedly.

Okay, off I go. Gotta go have some dinner, and think about
getting 303 ready and out of here.